The Blood Energy Potion was okay tasting, but it falls a bit short if you crave human meat. That problem has been remedied with this bleeding heart gummy candy from Think Geek. Inside each heart is squishy candies full of liquid blood and, for good measure, they have also included a separate vial of blood if things just aren’t messy enough. I suppose it goes without saying, but you should probably wear a bib or a smock when you tear into one of these. Better yet, just stand naked in the bathtub.
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All you have to do to add a little music to your car is to get this guitar (or maybe it’s a violin?). It is no different than other MP3 FM players, but the need to tune it just seems more natural when applied to a musical instrument.
Product Page ($9.29)
Much like a real Zamboni cleans blood and teeth off ice at a Hockey arena, this mini Zamboni vacuum will clean dust and crumbs off the surface of your desk. Finger drive this baby around and you’ll get a much needed mental vacation away from the pressures of the office and indulge in the magical world of a corporate Zamboni operator. When you return to reality, laughs, a denied promotion and a thumbs up from the cleaning crew will be waiting for you.
Product Page: (TBA)
Even if these boxing gloves smelled of blood and sweat it would be an improvement for your car’s interior. Luckily for you they give off a nice vanilla scent.
Product Page (TBA)
One of the real-life inspirations behind Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Vlad “The Impaler” has taught us all a very important lesson. Murder enough people and you might get a high-end action figure of your own 500-600 years later.
Vlad Dracula’s terrible reign in Wallachia began in 1456, when the Romanian nobleman escaped years of captivity with the Turks to reclaim his father’s throne. He gained a sinister reputation for his harsh punishments, treating the offenses of beggars and common trespassers the same as armed military enemies. Soon, he had earned the nickname Vlad the Impaler for his favorite means of execution: suspending victims on sharpened stakes set into the ground, leaving them to die painfully and slowly. His name becoming synonymous with blood and terror, Vlad the Impaler’s vicious and unforgiving tactics are said to have been the inspiration for Bram Stoker’s legendary vampire Count Dracula.
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If you want to track down some geriatric vampires, break out your “Cold Blooded” ice trays. Simply walk around with these icy toofers in your beverage and wait for people to ask where you were able to find “Fang Efferdent”… Bingo. Additional ice weirdness is pictured after the break.
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As if you needed another sign that society is headed in the wrong direction, take the stupid products people spend their money on. Every year they get stupider and stupider, but we are right there to spend our hard earned dollar. Why? Because poop never stops being funny and it’s hard to resist a “limited edition.” So, without further ado, here is Part I of the epic master list of the stupidest products of 2009.
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There’s finally some common ground for horror movie aficionados and D&D fans. What’s going to bring them together?… Hand soap. These 3.5” x 2” x 1” “Dragon’s Blood” scented soaps glow in the dark and are customizable, just in case you don’t want to wash your hands with a still of Eric Northman.
Product Page: ($5.50)
Imagine finding this 41-inch monster sword wrapped up underneath the tree this year. It wouldn’t be hard to spot that’s for sure. That, and the fact that your wife’s hands are bandaged and there is blood all over the wrapping paper would be a dead giveaway. If that’s the case, you might want to take her to the doctor’s office for a tetanus shot. At only $40, this ridiculous sword is bound to get rusted out at some point.
Product Page ($40)
