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A perfect companion to the Gaydar detector keychain, Dickdar claims to size up a subject with their pants on. Just point and shoot—the Dickdar will analyze the “data” and respond with one of three phrases:
- “That penis is a weapon of mass destruction”
- “Um”…Hung like a field mouse”
- “Mmm…Short & thick will do the trick”.
Too bad it doesn’t feature a “No penis detected” response. That would come in handy when confronted with prostitutes of a questionable gender.
Product Page (£7 or $11)
If you gagged watching Andrew Zimmern eat weird shit like jellied moose nose and bull penis on that “Bizarre Foods” show, then grab a bucket and prepare for Weasel Puke Coffee. This “gourmet treat” from Vietnam is made from coffee beans eaten, then thrown up by local Vietnamese weasels. The vomited beans are then lightly roasted, where the stomach acids apparently wear away the bitterness of the bean, and volia! Weasel Puke Coffee is born, “delicious and smooth” and with “a rich chocolaty flavor”…all courtesy of puke.
Product Page: ($24.99)
Dave: Open the fridge door HAL.
HAL 9000: I’m sorry Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Dave: What’s the problem?
HAL: I think you know what the problem is. You’re fat Dave…and you disgust me. Can you see your penis Dave? Yeah…no more cake for you.
Product Page (£3.50 or $6)
It appears that the folks at Scandalous Inventions are planning to expand on their empire of boobie beer bongs to include a few new objects that will surely get college kids and managers at Spencer’s Gifts giddy with excitement. The “Johnson Juicer” (illustrated by Wolverine here) shoots measured shots out of a dual chambered dong bong. Awesome right? But there is more…oh so much more pictured after the break.
You may never be able to use your penis as a weapon or maintain a 50 to 200 year erection, but Duster D can. These planters are made from scratch, stand 12” tall and also have customizable hair and beard color, clothing, and even tattoos. You can turn Duster D into a stallion with a wang several feet long, or subject him to a life of shame with a pecker that’s less than an inch, all depending on the type of cactus you use. So increase your self-esteem or one-up nature, the choice is yours.
Product Page (From $29.99)
Chances are, the high seas have never played host to a pirate like this, but now you can lay waste to history’s nasty stereotypes with this 76” tall lady pirate. She’s clean, parrotless, possesses both eyeballs and both legs, and probably sports a full set of teeth. She will also gladly accept your empty beer cans without killing you. So, if you’ve ever wondered what a Hooters waitress would have looked like in the 18th century, or if you’ve ever wanted to know what its like to objectify a woman that is totally out of your league without being laughed at, ignored, or having a tiny penis remark thrown in your face, then the standing pirate lady is for you.
Product Page ($999.99)
“Who’s Naked” puts a perverted spin on the classic game of “Guess Who” by expanding the pool of characteristics that players can utilize to determine their opponents character. In other words, pubes, boobs and penises FTW.
Product Page ($40)
Let’s face it, the Gi-Joes we have idolized over the years as plastic pinnacles of military manliness are actually not affiliated with either gender. Stepping up to Big Joe clears up that confusion by adding one key anatomical ingredient—the flex-action little joe.
Product Page ($20)
I’m not big into hot sauces, but I can’t help but laugh at some of the gimmicky packaging that goes along with these bottles. Some of the sauces are hotter than others, but it is a pretty safe bet that any one of these will have you tearing up on the toilet in the morning. That having been said, I have put together a list of five bottles that will leave you laughing (and burning) your ass off.
We have seen Mr. P use his manhood for a lot of jobs: lamps, wine stoppers, towel holders and the like—but those jobs were fairly risk free. Not so with his gig as a doorstop. The aptly titled “One Man Cry” will keep your door open at the expense of our little friend here. The way I see it Mr. P, if you are going to use your penis for a living it had better be in the porn industry.
Product Page ($20)
