I say “matches” but, actually, I’m not sure what those things are. All I know is that they have drawn a bath and have plenty of room left for sexy time with your cellphone or MP3 player.
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As if you needed another sign that society is headed in the wrong direction, take the stupid products people spend their money on. Every year they get stupider and stupider, but we are right there to spend our hard earned dollar. Why? Because poop never stops being funny and it’s hard to resist a “limited edition.” So, without further ado, here is Part I of the epic master list of the stupidest products of 2009.
I just wanted to take this time to wish our readers a happy holiday and express my sincere gratitude for your patronage. With that in mind, enjoy this sexy goth spider woman sculpture. I went ahead and digitally fitted her with a Santa hat as well. Festive!
Product Page ($35)
From Fashionably Geek: There have been other takes on the Batman Utility Belt in the past, but few are as finely crafted as this version from JLA. Unfortunately, there are no grappling hooks or bat-shaped throwing stars in those leather pouches, which makes it hard to justify spending $280 on. Plus, they claim that it is only “a prop replica only and not meant to be worn.” Please—if I’m spending that much on a belt, I’m going to wear it even in the most inappropriate situations. Situations like: with a suit at work, or when I’m naked and ready for some sexy time with my lady. When she protests, I will simply say: “I’m the Batman.”
Product Page ($280/June pre-order)
This witch has an obsession known as “objectophilia.” That is to say, she has a sexual attraction to inanimate objects. She will violate any MP3 player or cellphone you put in front of her.
Product Page ($13)
Enjoy the sexy feeling of wearing large coins as rings on your fingers when you use this Sovereign Mug for your morning coffee. You can use it to strut around at the office and look cool with having to wear those weighty rings all day.
Product Page (£5.99, about $9.75)
It is not entirely clear what part of the anatomy this corkscrew is, but from the position of it we can take a pretty good guess. A gifted man with an appendage that is more useful than most.
Product Page ($29)
From Fashionably Geek: Under the list of features, the product page for this magic massage bra only lists one word: “sexy.” However, they also claim it can do everything from increasing your bust size to promoting better sleep.
Make breast more healthy: Pangao breast enhancer effectively make breast up, dredge breast glands, eliminate blood stasis and effectively prevent women from breast diseases and flaccid, also can move fat and make a well-shaped figure. If use it often, you can have a sound sleep, immunity from disease and better internal secretion.
Um…what? All I know is that this thing rubs boobs. I doubt women would find that as exciting as guys would find massage pants, but hey—don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.
Product Page (Pricing Available Upon Request)
The pointy feet and large rear end of this sexy girl are perfect for keeping all your doors open. I cannot think of another door stopper that could turn a person on as well as perform a valuable household function. It appears they have the proportions down perfectly to achieve both.
Product Page ($13.85)
At the first sign of movement, this garden frog decoration will let out a “sexy woo-woo” whistle—harassing you, your husband, your children, your friends, the dog, the cat, large rodents…whatever. Sufficed to say, he has problems.
Product Page ($30)
