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10 Ridiculous Products To Outsmart Thieves

You could fork over hundreds or even thousands of dollars each year on security alarms and monitoring, but there are cheaper ways to guard your valuables at home and on the road. The solutions presented below may be unorthodox, but no less effective. In fact, at least one of the items on this list could make a burglar vomit. Can your current alarm system do that? I think not.

Lamp post bike lock

A German company called Conrad has developed a bike lock that uses parts from a motorized skateboard to lock your bike and hoist it up a lamp post out of reach. Short thieves are completely out of the game right off the bat (unless they have a ladder with them), so the only thing you have to worry about are professional basketball players with awesome vertical jumping ability, well them and lightning. Pricing not available — Conrad via CubicleBot

iPad Lock

If you recently bought the new iPad, chances are you are interested in protecting your investment. The iPad Lock is a sturdy plastic case that can be locked down with a security cable that’s wrapped around a fixed object. The manufacturer claims that thieves would have to damage the iPad in order to detach the case, so you can safely go to the bathroom in Starbucks without carrying all of your stuff in with you. Then again, a lot of people would say that the bathroom is one of the best places to use the iPad in the first place. Admit it, you have been known to play a round or two of “Angry Birds” in there. $74.95 — MacLocks via CubicleBot

Cup Noodle coin bank

Think about it, a coin bank shaped like a Cup Noodle bowl is the perfect place to stash some extra cash. For one thing, a thief wouldn’t expect to look for money in there. Second, they would probably assume that you were a broke college student and conclude that robbing you would be a waste of time. $12.09 — SourcingMap via Nerd Approved

FakeTV burglar deterrent

As the name suggests, FakeTV simulates the light produced by a typical television — making burglars think that someone is awake inside your house watching infomercials and eating leftover pizza at 3 a.m. Theoretically, this would convince said thief to move onto an easier target. The device has has a built-in light sensor and timer, and consumes about as much power as a typical night light. It’s designed to simulate “scene and color changes, fades and on-screen motion.” Attention thieves: If you notice the TV is on at 3 a.m. in my house, I actually am awake watching infomercials and eating pizza — while holding a loaded crossbow. It’s my nightly routine. $34.95 — FakeTV

Fridge Locker

Maybe you are trying to protect your lunch from co-workers or maybe you’re on a diet and trying to protect yourself from all the snacks. Either way, this Fridge Locker will do the job — although putting cakes in cages is cruel and unusual as far as I’m concerned. Free the cakes! $19.99 — Perpetual Kid via Nerd Approved

Undercover Laptop Sleeve

On one hand, the Undercover Laptop Sleeve makes it seem like your computer is nothing more than a ratty old envelope. On the other hand, the sleeve can be written on and your memory isn’t what it used to be. I’m sorry to report that you just accidentally mailed your laptop to Mexico. $23 — Lazybone via Nerd Approved

Brief Safe

I would hazard a guess that your valuables are just as secure in this Brief Safe as they would be in Fort Knox, guarded by hungry dogs and giant robots with laser cannons. Just stash your valuables in the hidden pocket of these mock-soiled jockeys, and you can leave it right out in the open with confidence. The product appears to be out of stock, but you could always pull some dirty undies out of the laundry and make a “safe” of your own. The homemade version might be even more effective. $24.99 — Spyville via Nerd Approved

Power strip safe

Like the Brief Safe and the Cup Noodle safe before it, thieves aren’t going to look inside a power strip for valuables. However, if you have it lying around a really sweet computer or television there’s no guarantee that it won’t get swept up in the rush to nab all of your electronics. Maybe you should put your Brief Safe on top of the TV just in case. Now that I think about it, that’s a really good idea. That Brief Safe is so powerful it will protect everything within a 6-foot radius. $19.99 — BeWild via Nerd Approved


We’ve talked about valuables in the home, but how can you protect your wallet from getting stolen? The top-of-the-line iWallet protects your cash, credit and identification cards in a hard-shell carbon fiber casing that can be opened only when the built-in biometric reader identifies your unique fingerprint. It also features a Bluetooth link that will sound a loud alarm when your iWallet is more than 10 to 15 feet away from your cellphone. It seems secure enough, but now the thieves will want to take your cellphone and your finger with them. Yeah, I watch way too many movies. $299 to $599 — iWallet

Defendius door chain

I’ll admit, the Defendius was an April Fools’ gag — but it’s an interesting idea nonetheless. You must solve the labyrinth before you can open the door, so you don’t have to worry about accidentally letting a thief into your home (unless they decide to push on the door hard with their hand). After all, few people would have the patience to wait while you work the chain all the way through. Of course, this also means that you’ll be keeping out family, friends and the FedEx guy — but it’s a small price to pay for peace of mind. No price available — Art. Lebedev

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