Harry Potter As Written By Ayn Rand

Harry Potter rand

Imagine a world where Ayn Rand penned the Harry Potter books you know and love. You might not love them anymore. A writer at The Toast, Mallory Ortberg, put together a sample of what the stories could be like. Instead of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, it would be Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Objectivism. They’re funny because they’re spot on.

Here are a couple of our favorite passages:

“You’re a wizard, Harry,” Hagrid said. “And you’re coming to Hogwarts.”

“What’s Hogwarts?” Harry asked.

“It’s wizard school.”

“It’s not a public school, is it?”

“No, it’s privately run.”

“Good. Then I accept. Children are not the property of the state; everyone who wishes to do so has the right to offer educational goods or services at a fair market rate. Let us leave at once.”

And this one:

Harry and Ron stood before the Mirror of Erised. “My God,” Ron said. “Harry, it’s your dead parents.”

Harry’s eyes flicked momentarily over to the mirror. “So it is. This information is neither useful nor productive. Let us leave at once, to assist Hagrid in his noble enterprise of raising as many dragon eggs as he sees fit, in spite of our country’s unjust dragon-trading restrictions.”

“But it’s your parents, Harry,” Ron said. Ron never really got it.

Harry sighed. “The fundamental standard for all relationships is the trader principle, Ron.”

“I don’t understand,” Ron said.

“Of course you don’t,” said Harry affectionately. “This principle holds that we should interact with people on the basis of the values we can trade with them – values of all sorts, including common interests in art, sports or music, similar philosophical outlooks, political beliefs, sense of life, and more. Dead people have no value according to the trader principle.”

“But they gave birth to y–”

“I made myself, Ron,” Harry said firmly.

Read more at The Toast.

(NOTL via Neatorama, art by Amy Collier)

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