I mean, you’re still drinking wine right? Oh wait, that’s a bottle of moonshine you made in a dumpster. My mistake!
Product Page ($15 via 7Gadgets)
corkscrew
Flowers are useful things to have around, to get you out of the doghouse with the wife/girlfriend if nothing else. But beyond looking and smelling pretty, those are pretty useless. With its ability to open a bottle of wine, the Tulip Corkscrew is immensely useful. Plus, with its included flower pot you can leave it out like any other decorative plant you may have. The four leaves of this corkscrew make it useful for both righties and lefties.
Product Page ($25)
Despite their reputation as savages, Klingons have been known to enjoy a nice glass of wine or, as they call it, “HIq”
Product Page (£10 or $16)
You should be so lucky as this Strongman corkscrew, opening a bottle of wine with every squat thrust you do. Your legs will be in great shape, although your liver will be a wreck. But when you are out at the beach all anyone will be able to see are those toned legs.
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Only the most formal apparel is appropriate for your finest wines, and a bow tie fits the bill. Every time the bow tie is pulled apart to get to the corkscrew/bottle opener your personal message plays for them. Present a bottle of wine as a gift with the bow tie clipped on and the recipient can hear your greeting anytime, whether they open it while you are there or wait until later. And the message is re-recordable so it is perfect for re-gifting.
Product Page ($17.95)
It is not entirely clear what part of the anatomy this corkscrew is, but from the position of it we can take a pretty good guess. A gifted man with an appendage that is more useful than most.
Product Page ($29)
Someone that owns a bar as classy as Moe’s Tavern is probably who you want to trust your wine opening chores to. On the other hand, the man owns a dive and knows nothing about classy drinks—but he does look a lot more interesting than your average corkscrew. Use the hands with full mugs to give you some leverage to sink that corkscrew in. When done, place him back on his body and leave the pewter representation of him on your counter. All wine aficionados should have such good taste to have this nice an opener.
Product Page (£19.46, about $28)
Don’t let your Banana Brothers Salt and Pepper Set be the extent of your monkey kitchen utensils. The Captain Banana Corkscrew features yet another monkey, though one that does no work at all. When you place Captain Banana over the bottle to be opened, he just sits there. The cork is removed by spinning the parrot on top of his head. That is probably why he has that stupid grin on his face.
Product Page (£34.00, about $48)
Homer would be honored to help you open that bottle of wine whether it is an expensive vintage or the cheapest thing you could find with a cork. Plus, by raising Homer’s hands over his head you will be helping him get as much as exercise as he ever will. The preferred corkscrew for the arrested adolescents.
Product Page (£9.99, about $18 coming Oct 14)
Bill Clinton has a lot of talents. As Monica Lewinsky would surely tell you, Bill has a something useful for you between his legs. The metal corkscrew he is sporting there is probably not too far off of the brass balls that man must have. And he needs to with as much ball busting as he likely gets from the wife.
Product Page ($24.95)
