Excuse me—Dracula is a coat rack. It would be great if this was an actual product—it would be even better if the vampire was a big cutout of Edward Cullen.
dracula
Thanks to Bram Stoker, Béla Lugosi and Robert Pattinson, vampires are as much a part of pop culture as reality TV, Facebook and wasting time. That’s why we’re offering 10 products that can help you navigate through the barrage of choices and make the most of your vampire experience. Whether you’re looking to gross someone out, role play like you’re having sex in a morgue, or if you simply want to snuggle up with a Robert Pattinson plush that has the neck of a Diplodocus, we’ve got you covered.
Dracula is like 500 years old, and he’s not in any particular hurry to get anywhere. Of course, this means he will probably be driving 35 in a 55 with his blinker on. As frustrating as that can be, you don’t ever want to tailgate. His road rage is legendary, and it can only end badly.
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One of the real-life inspirations behind Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Vlad “The Impaler” has taught us all a very important lesson. Murder enough people and you might get a high-end action figure of your own 500-600 years later.
Vlad Dracula’s terrible reign in Wallachia began in 1456, when the Romanian nobleman escaped years of captivity with the Turks to reclaim his father’s throne. He gained a sinister reputation for his harsh punishments, treating the offenses of beggars and common trespassers the same as armed military enemies. Soon, he had earned the nickname Vlad the Impaler for his favorite means of execution: suspending victims on sharpened stakes set into the ground, leaving them to die painfully and slowly. His name becoming synonymous with blood and terror, Vlad the Impaler’s vicious and unforgiving tactics are said to have been the inspiration for Bram Stoker’s legendary vampire Count Dracula.
Ah the Killin’ Time Clock. Inappropriate on so many levels. Not only does it feature the face of Vlad Tepes (Vlad the Impaler), the notorious 15th century Romanian ruler and one of Bram Stoker’s inspirations for Dracula, it also features tiny impaled figures on the clock hands. The second hand even includes Vlad’s date of birth and (supposed) death. I suppose it goes without saying, but his product will bring a ray of sunshine into any room.
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Next time a vampire shows up to suck your blood, be prepared with this Roman Catholic approved Vampire Hunters Kit. You’ll sleep easier knowing that you have some holy water and some unblessed Eucharist wafers nearby in case you need to take that bastard down in the middle of the night. However, you novice vampire hunters may find yourselves S.O.L. if you can’t read the Romanian killing instructions.
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As you can see from the photo, the bride of Frankenstein was actually having an affair with Dracula, and also became involved with the Count’s small but successful catering business. By cashing in on his image (making deliveries with a hearse and serving food out of a coffin), Dracula was actually able to make a very comfortable living, which bought him his snazzy estate in Transylvania.
The domestic Dracula, his mistress and his business are finally remembered with this ceramic, hand painted cracker and dip set. It includes removable Dracula and bride of Frankenstein spreaders, as well as a removable coffin drawer; all of which will serve you well during Halloween or for those wild after-hours mortuary parties.
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If you insist on playing real instruments in the age of Guitar Hero, you can get the band in the Halloween spirit with these animated Dracula guitar picks.
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