Your chosen deity already directs you in life, so having a deity shaped flashlight just feels right. If you trust him with your life’s direction, you can trust him to illuminate the crap on the floor you need to avoid in the dark. Available in your choice of B00duh or Jeebus.
Product Page ($5)
Jesus may have spent plenty of time turning water into wine and such, but you have to wonder what he did in his spare time. These figures may not be 100% historically accurate, but they do give you some idea of how he blew off steam. Both seem fairly plausible. If it wasn’t for the fact that he pre-dated internal combustion engines by a couple thousand years then these could be actual representations.
Product Page ($30)
I don’t know about you, but when it comes to poseable action figures, my first thought is “hey, let’s make em’ hump.” Then again, I’m immature. If you are the same way you will get a kick out of these Political Posers featuring the likes of George and Laura Bush, Hillary Clinton, Uncle Sam, John and Jackie Kennedy, Ronald Regan, and Benjamin Franklin. They even threw Jesus in there for good measure. Collect em’ all and create the most bizarre diorama ever.
Product Page ($8.88 per figure)
Sorry folks, I know it was special the day you saw Jesus chest bumping Elvis in your morning waffles, but this inanimate object features the face of a wizard. The Wood Wizard pictured here is actually made from lightweight resin crafted to appear like wood. And the whole thing doesn’t make a damn bit of sense if you ask me.
Product Page ($34.95)
The Submissive Jesus Prayer Answering Head is for all of those who feel that the big guy isn’t listening when we pray to win the lotto. Just hit Jesus up for something and twist the crown of thorns on his head. The pain will force him to answer your prayer with one of 100 random phrases.
That having been said, you had better pray that the atheists are right. Otherwise Jesus will be kicking your ass all over the afterlife.
Product Page ( $29.95 )
Yet another reason to quit smoking – Jesus hates it. Every time you smoke an angel cries and a kitten dies.
At least you will never have ask for another light when you are burning in hell.
Product Page ( $12.95 )
The Lookin’ Good For Jesus Mini kit features a mirrored Jesus statuette, vanilla nectar lip balm, Easter-Lily hand & body cream (with sparkle!) and a folding mirror compact.
According to the product site, looking good for Jesus will “take the edge of sinning.” Kind of like hitting on the policeman who writes you a ticket.
Product Site ( $19.99 )
According to the product site, the Zombie Jesus was born out of the desire to make a “Miracle Edition” of the classic Jesus action figure. The original idea was to incorporate glow-in-the-dark hands, but the manufacturer took it a step further and gave the figure translucent glow-in-the-dark hands and evil red eyes. The result is a Jesus that “looks like a zombie or a Sith Lord instead of a healer, teacher or Messiah.”
Naturally, there is money to be made here, so these “factory mistake” Jesus figures are available for sale until August 30th 2007. So if you dig zombies, Jesus, and collectibles, now is your chance to pick up a truly one-of-a-kind item.
Product Page ( $9.95 )
There is just something funny about bizarre Jesus figurines, and the Astronaut Jesus is no exception.
Amusingly enough, the product site is trying to pass this off as a triumph of visual design as opposed to a funny novelty product. I’m not sure what kind of message this thing is supposed to convey, but I know funny when I see it.
Product Page ( $49.99 )
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