I stumbled across these Glow Crosses while at my local grocery store. Apparently, a dose of Jeebus can be had in the same place you get Pop-Tarts and Hamburger Helper. Plus salvation comes in several hot colors for the low low price of fifty cents.
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sacrilicious
Back in December I came across a website selling reserved spaces in Heaven. After all, it’s not easy to get into Heaven, so it makes sense to secure your spot early. However, it has just come to my attention that the same site is now offering a similar set of travel packages to Hell. But my question is: do you really need to spend $16 for an all access VIP pass? First of all, they claim that space is limited, but I have to think that Hell has plenty of room. Plus, no matter who you buy it for, they are probably heading there on a free pass anyway.
Product Page ($13—$16 depending on package) Thanks Mason!
“The gift of precious fluids from Heaven’s messengers.” This genuine angel snot can be squished, bounced, and stretched for your amusement—plus it features a pleasant jasmine scent. Who knew Heavenly mucus could be so delightful!
Product Page ($2.35)
If you are worried that your sinful lifestyle will end up biting you in the ass in the afterlife, a gag site is selling travel packages to heaven with a 100% money back guarantee. Choose from an Essential travel kit that features the basics for one person to attain eternal salvation. Or, for a few bucks more, you can get an All Access Travel Kit —an exclusive package that will get you into heaven and grant you access to areas reserved for VIPs. The packages includes tickets, certificates of reservation, id cards, and informational guides. Group discounts are available for parties of 5 —so save the whole family! More info after the break…
The Submissive Jesus Prayer Answering Head is for all of those who feel that the big guy isn’t listening when we pray to win the lotto. Just hit Jesus up for something and twist the crown of thorns on his head. The pain will force him to answer your prayer with one of 100 random phrases.
That having been said, you had better pray that the atheists are right. Otherwise Jesus will be kicking your ass all over the afterlife.
Product Page ( $29.95 )
Yet another reason to quit smoking – Jesus hates it. Every time you smoke an angel cries and a kitten dies.
At least you will never have ask for another light when you are burning in hell.
Product Page ( $12.95 )
So let’s say that you are running from the police with guns and drugs in your car, a body in the trunk, and a kidnapped prostitute in the passenger seat. You’ve done some serious sinning my friend! Unfortunately, your situation means that you don’t really have the time to seek salvation. That’s where this Wash Away Your Sins Lip Balm can help. It’s cheap red wine flavor offers absolution for those on the go!
Product Page ( $4.95 )
The Lookin’ Good For Jesus Mini kit features a mirrored Jesus statuette, vanilla nectar lip balm, Easter-Lily hand & body cream (with sparkle!) and a folding mirror compact.
According to the product site, looking good for Jesus will “take the edge of sinning.” Kind of like hitting on the policeman who writes you a ticket.
Product Site ( $19.99 )
