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There is no reason to feel that your manliness is diminished because you choose to burn a few tea lights around your house. Especially if that small amount of heat is what this candle holding guy needs to keep himself from freezing to death. Would have been even better if he was toasting s’mores.
Product Page (TBA)
You can’t pretend your ex-boyfriend is in Hell unless there is some fire around. Burn that condemned bastard in effigy while you enjoy the cinnamon scent of the candle. Burn , baby, burn indeed.
Product Page ($13.99)
You may be surprised to learn that besides getting these awesome lighter shaped candles for your favorite smokers birthday cake, you will also need to get one that actually works to light them. Seems like a lot of duplication and a failing on the part of the manufacturer. It couldn’t cost them much to add one working lighter with the pack.
Product Page ($8.95)
Just because you hate fruit doesn’t mean you can’t find a suitable place for it in your home. You can always impale it with this candle holder and watch it rot away by candlelight while you eat Ding Dongs and Ho-Hos. Then at the very end you can finish it off by yelling “And take your friggin’ vitamins with you!”
Product Page: ($24, currently on sale for $21.60)
Either of these disembodied hands will do a fine job holding your candles, allowing you to have your candlelight without hot wax dripping onto your skin. And when no candles are around, you have a nice thumbs up decoration with one hand, while the other looks like it is doing something a bit more risque.
Product Page (£5.00, about $8)
At first glance, you may think: “Big deal, it’s an ugly hat riding cow udders…Useless”. But that’s before you realize that the cap can be removed to reveal a fine smelling candle with a 40 hour burn time. You’ll be sorry you insulted the hat next time you need to keep warm or mask a noxious funk…Utterly useful.
Product Page: ($26)
It’s called the Pumpkin Pal, but there is nothing friendly about stabbing your Jack O’ Lantern with a sword. On the other hand, it does light up, so it is safer than candles as a light source—and kids can pull it out of the pumpkin skull King Arthur style and use it as a safety light while trick-or-treating. Additional images are available after the break.
While looking like a victim of the Midas touch will certainly be a drawback in battle, this 18″ ultraviolence big army guy is still armed to the teeth and can even swap out his weapons with interchangeable hands should an open-handed bitch slap be in order.
Product Page: ($200)
This 9″ “distorted gourd” candle holder will cast the eerie glow of two different jack o’ lantern faces which appear to be frozen in mid-suck as if they’re being pulled up by some unseen force. However that will probably pale in comparison to the terror of trying to get a lit candle inside one of these.
Product Page: ($16.99 Coming Soon)
This Halloween your disgusting candle needs can be met by visiting Etsy and picking up this 3.3″ unscented monstrosity that will give your next romantic dinner or relaxing bath a disturbing vibe that comes along with a burning wick sticking out of a cup of bloody eyeballs.
Product Page: ($7.50)
