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Just because you hate fruit doesn’t mean you can’t find a suitable place for it in your home. You can always impale it with this candle holder and watch it rot away by candlelight while you eat Ding Dongs and Ho-Hos. Then at the very end you can finish it off by yelling “And take your friggin’ vitamins with you!”
Product Page: ($24, currently on sale for $21.60)
Either of these disembodied hands will do a fine job holding your candles, allowing you to have your candlelight without hot wax dripping onto your skin. And when no candles are around, you have a nice thumbs up decoration with one hand, while the other looks like it is doing something a bit more risque.
Product Page (£5.00, about $8)
At first glance, you may think: “Big deal, it’s an ugly hat riding cow udders…Useless”. But that’s before you realize that the cap can be removed to reveal a fine smelling candle with a 40 hour burn time. You’ll be sorry you insulted the hat next time you need to keep warm or mask a noxious funk…Utterly useful.
Product Page: ($26)
It’s called the Pumpkin Pal, but there is nothing friendly about stabbing your Jack O’ Lantern with a sword. On the other hand, it does light up, so it is safer than candles as a light source—and kids can pull it out of the pumpkin skull King Arthur style and use it as a safety light while trick-or-treating. Additional images are available after the break.
While looking like a victim of the Midas touch will certainly be a drawback in battle, this 18″ ultraviolence big army guy is still armed to the teeth and can even swap out his weapons with interchangeable hands should an open-handed bitch slap be in order.
Product Page: ($200)
This 9″ “distorted gourd” candle holder will cast the eerie glow of two different jack o’ lantern faces which appear to be frozen in mid-suck as if they’re being pulled up by some unseen force. However that will probably pale in comparison to the terror of trying to get a lit candle inside one of these.
Product Page: ($16.99 Coming Soon)
This Halloween your disgusting candle needs can be met by visiting Etsy and picking up this 3.3″ unscented monstrosity that will give your next romantic dinner or relaxing bath a disturbing vibe that comes along with a burning wick sticking out of a cup of bloody eyeballs.
Product Page: ($7.50)
If your birthday boy or girl needs a little incentive to put some effort into blowing out the candles on their cake, these candles should give them plenty. Sticks of dynamite and little bombs can only be left to burn for so long before something bad could happen. There won’t be any explosion when using these candles, but you are the only one who is really sure about that.
Product Page ($10)
Birthday coming up? Light Bites offer a fork/candle holder combo which allows instant cake access without having to search for silverware, saving you those precious seconds between when the blowing ends and the eating begins (there’s my innuendo for the day). However, there’s still the obligatory waiting period while the candles burn and people sing and take pictures, which will no doubt result in you having to eat waxy cake with a hot, waxy utensil… Delish!
Product Page: (£8, or about $13.50)
What separates a rich man from a hobo? When a rich man sits on a 50 gallon drum it has cushions, swanky European brand names, and falls into the “recycled” category. And oh yeah, he gets to pay $417 for the privilege. An additional design is pictured after the break.
