10 Things You Could Do Instead Of Watching ‘Fantastic Four’


Spoiler alert: Fantastic 4 is a bad movie. I know, I know. You’re shocked. Perhaps the worst thing about it is that its particular variety of suckitude trends towards the bland and boring; Jupiter Ascending may have been a hot mess, but at least it kept one’s interest with royalty-sniffy bees and whatever the hell Eddie Redmayne was doing.

Everyone in Fantastic 4 reads their lines like they’re about to fall asleep, which was quite a coincidence, because that’s exactly how I felt while watching it. I don’t know what possible reason there can be for making a young adult superhero movie (Reed Richards and Ben Grimm are just out of high school in it, and one assumes Sue and Johnny Storm are roughly the same ages) that’s absolutely devoid of fun. Someone at 20th Century Fox needs to have their Christopher Nolan Batman DVDs confiscated.

If you’ve already wasted your money on a Fantastic 4 ticket, there’s nothing I can do to help you. But if you haven’t yet, here are 10 things I recommend that are more worthy of your time:

  1. Eat the entire Fantastic Four Denny’s menu.
  2. Twice.
  3. Attempt to drown yourself in “Thing Sauce.”
  4. Contact a Denny’s executive and ask them why they would use the phrase “Thing Sauce” on their menu. They know how that sounds, right?
  5. Spend several hours in the bathroom as a result of eating at Denny’s.
  6. Pen an angry letter to Denny’s, vowing to only eat at IHOP for the rest of your days.
  7. Pen an apologetic letter to Denny’s, pitching them your idea of a theme menu tied to the filmography of Pedro Almodóvar.
  8. Stage a revolt at your local Denny’s when they reject your Pedro Almodóvar idea. Barricade the doors and throw strips of uncooked bacon at everyone who tries to get in.
  9. Demand to see Denny. I WANT TO SEE DENNY.
  10. Get arrested. Never love again.
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