Christian Harry Potter Rewrite Gives Us “Hogwarts School Of Prayer And Miracles”

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Fan fiction takes your favorite characters and sends them off in directions the original authors never intended. Case in point:  this Christian version of Harry Potter. Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles is the work of “Mommie blogger” Grace Ann who says it has “all the adventure and good morals of the Harry Potter books without all that bad stuff that is bogging it down.” To get an idea of what she means, read an excerpt from Chapter One after the break…

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Harry Potter who lived under the stairs in a house on Privet Drive with his aunt and uncle. He was a good, obedient boy who did all his chores; but he felt that there was something missing in his life. Something big and special; but he could not quite name it. He stayed up every night; and wished for this special something; but then one day, there was a knock at his door-and everything changed.

“Answer the door, Harry!” his Aunt Petunia, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup. Uncle Vernon nodded sheepishly from the kitchen; and put a tray of moist, chocolatey brownies in the oven.

Shouldn’t you be doing that? Harry thought; but he was a very obedient young boy, so he answered the door right away. He turned the brass, metal doorknob; and pulled open the heavy, wooden door.

On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair. He wore a necklace that looked to Harry like a lowercase T. Just looking at Harry feel happy, peaceful somehow; but he couldn’t say why!

“Good morning, kiddo,” the man greeted amiably; and smiled at Harry. He had the peaceful, friendly sort of face you just knew you could trust. “My name is Hagrid. Could I speak to your mommy and daddy?”

“I don’t have a mommy or daddy,” Harry replied sadly; and looked at his raggedy, old shoes that were blue. Perhaps that was why he felt so lonely, he thought, not for the first time. Maybe that was what he was missing-a mommy and daddy. But no, that was not quite right.

“I am so sorry to hear that!” Hagrid uttered empathetically.

“You can speak with my auntie and uncle,” Harry retorted politely; and blinked his big, blue, childlike eyes.

“What do you want?” Aunt Petunia peered out the door with her narrow, suspicious eyes; and she was wearing a baggy, unflattering pantsuit.

“Hello, neighbor! I was wondering if you have been saved,” Hagrid exclaimed brightly; and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat.

Aunt Petunia laughed a gravelly laugh; and leaned forward on her sturdy, practical boots. “Saved? Don’t tell me you are you one of those Christians?”

[…] “Yes, I am,” Hagrid replied kindly. “Are you?”

Aunt Petunia laughed again; and stuck her pointy, sharp nose up in the air. “We are too smart for that. Haven’t you read Dawkins? God is dead! Dawkins proved that. Would you like us to educate you on the Dawkins?”

“What is a Christian?” Harry queried innocently; and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time.

“Christians are people who want to be good,” Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. “We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?”

Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.

“Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God.”

Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry’s young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, “Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven’t you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things.”

Hagrid laughed wisely. “Evolution is a fairytale. You don’t really believe that, do you?”

“Yes, I do!” Aunt Petunia screeched.

“Well then prove it!”

Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn’t even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!

I kinda liked my wizards wielding magic and not preaching Christianity, but to each his own.

I’m definitely feeling like something has been completely lost forever in this particular translation. In fact, the whole thing is so over the top that it seems like a prank.

(Jezebel via The Mary Sue)

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